Fantasy Football: The ‘Swansea Way’
Another TSW debut today - Rhys Owain Williams got in touch with this great fantasy football-inspired piece. Have you entered your team in TSW fantasy football league yet? Get involved here: link
You must have had the email by now. You might have had several. “Is your team ready for 2014/15? Register your Fantasy Football team NOW to prove you know more about football than everyone you’ve ever met!” Or something along those lines. I’m tricked into it at the start of every season, somehow forgetting that just a few short months earlier my team of try-hards and outcasts (usually captained by a player who left for Italy or Spain in the January transfer window) had predictably finished bottom of the pile in both my mates’ league AND my work’s league.
It’s not that I pick badly to begin with – I pore over the previous season’s stats for hours before picking the eleven men to carry me to glory. And, initially, they deliver. By the end of August, Rhysal Sociedad are contenders, for a Champions League place at least. The daydreams begin – could this finally be my year?
Once the season gets into full swing, however, and I begin to get distracted by Swans' away days and Sky Sports’ Super Sundays, I start to forget to log in and update my team. All of a sudden, my £10million striker has been ruled out until March, and a friend of a friend’s brother has opened up a 20 point lead at the top of the table. I give up; resign myself to another year without an imaginary trophy. Try to remember not to make the mistake of signing up again next season.
But, when I had the email through to remind me to renew my team in time for 2014/15, I couldn’t bring myself to delete it. Creating a Fantasy League team is an integral part of the build up to a new season – it allows you to feed your growing anticipation for a fresh campaign without having to trawl through endless articles about which top six team are currently preparing a bid for your (real life) team's star player.
So, I’ve given in (again), but this time with a twist. If I know I’m going to finish bottom anyway, then does it really matter which players I choose? So what if I pick a Glaswegian journeyman who only made one league appearance for his club last season? And who cares if my midfield is anchored by a 21-year-old who could barely get a kick for Wigan Athletic on loan?
Instead of compiling a team of half-decent players who, with my attention to detail, would just be destined for the drop (if there was one in Fantasy Football), how about I go all Athletic Bilbao and only pick players from a limited pool, who have all learnt to play football in a particular way, and see how far they can go?
So that's what I've decided to do. Eleven current Premier League players who have all made appearances for our beloved Swansea City, but have since elected to move on to pastures new (who knows why). They'll know how to play the right way – The Swansea Way – but won't break the widely-employed Fantasy Football rule of not having more than three players from a single team. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you...the Jack Past-ards.
GK – Michel Vorm (Tottenham Hotspur)
97 Swans apps/0 goals, 2011–14
In goal, our recently departed No. 1 and Tottenham’s new No. 2, it’s Michel Vorm. An obvious choice between the sticks, despite the fact that Brian Murphy (remember him?) is somehow still hanging on to the 3rd-choice goalkeeper shirt at QPR. With Hugo Lloris in front of him at Spurs, it's unlikely that Vorm will pick up any points for me during 2014/15, but because that probably means he’ll be added to the growing pile of players who have found that the grass outside the Liberty Stadium isn’t always as green as it seems to be, I think I’m okay with that.
DF – Steven Caulker (Queens Park Rangers)
26 Swans apps/0 goals, 2011–12
Agent Caulker, your mission is complete. Please report back to the Liberty for debriefing. Given the unpredictability of Chico, and the relative inexperience of Amat and Bartley, I’m sure many Swans fans were hoping that Garry Monk would put in a cheeky bid for his old teammate Caulker, after the former Swans loanee captained arch rivals Cardiff City to relegation in 2013/14. But Caulker has since rocked up at QPR in an £8m deal, enticed by the prospect of playing alongside “role model” Rio Ferdinand. Which is a shame really, because it means that QPR have strengthened in the area that saw them concede nine goals in two matches against the Swans during their last campaign at this level.
DF – Ben Davies (Tottenham Hotspur)
85 Swans apps/3 goals, 2012–14
This one still smarts a bit. Have we really allowed Ben Davies to move into the realm of 'Once a Jack, always a Jack'? I agree that Neil Taylor is an adequate replacement, but cheering on a local lad in our colours in the Premier League (even if he is actually from Neath) filled me with immense pride. I expect plenty of points from Ben this season; it’s just a shame he’ll be scoring them in the Lilywhite of Spurs, rather than in the black and white of Swansea.
MD – Scott Sinclair (Manchester City)
91 Swans apps/36 goals, 2010–12
I think I’m probably the only manager who has picked this guy to play in their Fantasy team this season (unless Helen Flanagan is one of The Sun’s ‘Celebrity' Managers). Scotty hasn’t had the best of times since leaving the Swans – a year sat on the bench at reigning champions Man City was followed up with a year sat on the bench at relegation candidates West Brom. Now back at Man City after that loan spell in the Midlands, he’s lost his coveted No. 11 shirt to Aleksandar Kolarov and has (apparently) been told he can leave in a cut-price deal. The hat-trick hero of the Swans' play-off final win just 3 short years ago, Sinclair may need another spell in the Championship to get his career back on track.
MD – Jordi Gómez (Sunderland)
51 Swans apps/14 goals, 2008–09
The player fondly remembered for that South Wales Derby goal at the Liberty, a strike which made many a Swans fan forgive his tendency to fall down at the slightest brushing of thighs, Jordi Gómez quietly completed a free transfer to Sunderland this summer after five years at Dave Whelan FC. The loanee from Espanyol scored fourteen important Championship goals for the freshly-promoted Swans back in 2008/09, and in recent years he’s shown he can score at the highest level too (Gómez is one of only three Spaniards to hit a Premier League hat-trick, the other two being Fernando Torres and Santi Cazorla).
MD – Josh McEachran (Chelsea)
5 Swans apps/0 goals, 2012
Remember this guy? Don’t worry if you don’t - he made just five forgettable Swans appearances on loan from Chelsea in 2012. When he signed, an English friend of mine convinced me the Swans were about to get a glimpse of the future darling of Wembley Way - that McEachran was a shoo-in to lead the Three Lions to glory at World Cup 2018 and beyond. Two years and three further loans later (to Middlesbrough, Watford and Wigan, all in the Championship), McEachran looks further from the England and Chelsea first teams than ever. A possible loan move to Vitesse Arnhem during 2014/15 has been mooted, not that it’ll make the slightest bit of difference to his Fantasy Football score, which will be a big fat zero either way.
MD – Frank Lampard (Manchester City) – Captain
9 Swans apps/1 goal, 1995–96
Up until very recently, all Fantasy Football managers worth their salt had either Steven Gerrard or this former Swans loan star as their captain. Guaranteed points, but at a premium price - those who elected to buy both usually ended up with Marlon Harewood as their main striker. Lampard’s stock may have dropped since his move to the MLS, but half a season on loan at Man City will probably still see him rack up more fantasy points than McEachran will manage in the rest of his career. As a side note, although the others have all played their part (however small) in our recent rise, Lampard’s the only player in this team who has first-hand experience of exactly where we’ve come from, having turned out for the Swans at the Vetch Field as a 17-year-old. For that reason, he’s my captain.
MD – Joe Allen (Liverpool)
150 Swans apps/7 goals, 2007–12
Like Scott Sinclair, I can't imagine that Joe Allen is a popular choice amongst Fantasy Football managers. In his first season at Anfield, Liverpool fans nicknamed him 'The Crab', due to his perceived inability to make any sort of forward pass. “£15m for a guy who can only move sideways! Swansea must be laughing all the way to the bank.” Most Kopites have since warmed to the Carmarthen product, though he’s still quite far from living up to the tag of the ‘Welsh Xavi’, a moniker bestowed on him by his best mate Brendan when he joined the former Swans boss at Melwood. Allen certainly played his part towards the end of last season, as Liverpool surprised everyone by mounting a genuine challenge for the title, but his Premier League stats in the two seasons since his big-money move from the Liberty aren’t exactly desirable in Fantasy Football terms – 1 goal and 0 assists.
MD – Stephen Dobbie (Crystal Palace)
67 Swans apps/14 goals, 2009–12
Ah, Stephen Dobbie. For a while, the dictionary definition of a player too good for the Championship, but not good enough for the Premiership (he's probably shed that tag now though, after an uninspiring 86th loan spell at Blackpool last term). I'm willing to go against the advice of Rodgers, Laudrup and Holloway though, and give this guy an extended run in the top division (and not just because I don’t have any other options). I think we all wanted Dobbie to light up the Premier League after his heroics in the latter stages of our promotion season, but it wasn’t to be. Since leaving the Swans, he’s yo-yoed between the first and second tiers of English football, winning promotion to the Premier League with Crystal Palace in 2012/13, but failing to make the cut for their 25-man squad the following season. However, he did recently score four goals for the Eagles in a 13-1 pre-season win over the mighty GAK Graz, so maybe things are finally looking up for ‘The Scottish Messi’.*
FW – Fabio Borini (Liverpool)
12 Swans apps/6 goals, 2011
Every summer, whether through lazy journalism or a blogger's hope for the return of a prodigal son, the Swans seem to be linked to a host of former players: Caulker, Allen, Sinclair, Sigurdsson, Akinfenwa, Alsop. Fabio Borini, the little Italian who fell into a deep mutual love with the Jack Army during a short loan spell in 2011, is one of the names that keep cropping up again and again. Based on his performance on loan at Sunderland last season, I quite fancied us making a move for Fabio – that was, until I read that Liverpool wanted £14m for him. £14m! He can rot in the Scouse reserves for that much. Sorry Fabio...
FW – Danny Graham (Sunderland)
62 Swans apps/21 goals, 2011–13
After scoring 14 goals in his first season at the Liberty, Danny Graham decided to swap the Swans for Sunderland half way through his second, citing homesickness as a factor (although being in the shadow of a free-scoring Michu might also have taken its toll). Subsequent loan moves to Hull City and Middlesbrough seem to suggest that Graham’s apparent desire to return to his native Northeast was genuine, though being closer to home hasn’t exactly made for a happy life out on the field.
In a cruel twist of fate, his single Premier League goal since departing south Wales came at the home of his former employers – the opener in a 1–1 draw between the Swans and Hull in December 2013 – meaning that Graham didn’t even get to celebrate it (as is the fashion for players scoring against former clubs these days). Although he’s currently in pre-season with Sunderland, a £1m permanent transfer to Championship Middlesbrough is imminent. Perhaps Shefki Kuqi will make a long-awaited return to the Premier League to fill the void left in my strikeforce by Graham’s departure.
You may have noticed that the team are lining up in an unprecedented 2–6–2 formation. That’s because, a bit like Blackpool, the Jack Past-ards currently only have two defenders on the books. If David Edgar had held on to his contract at Burnley for just a couple of months longer, my line-up might not look so unhealthily balanced.
Of course, you’re not allowed to send a team with only two defenders out to do battle on the fields of the Fantasy League (three is the minimum), so I’ve had to break my own rules. Frank Lampard is transferred out (he’ll only be in the league until January anyway), and in comes Alan Tate, snatching the armband off Lamps with a scowl previously reserved for Jay Bothroyd, as he moves into the centre of my defence.
We all dream of a team of Alan Tates? Now, if I could somehow get around the rule which states that you cannot pick the same player more than once, that would be a Fantasy Football team to be proud of.
*Note: Since compiling my team, Stephen Dobbie has agreed a season-long loan to League One Fleetwood Town. His little avatar still features on the right wing of my virtual line-up on the Fantasy Football website, but he now has an annoying little red dot next to his name to indicate that he won’t be scoring me any points. Good luck to him though; I genuinely hope he sets League One alight. Maybe Lampard will make the cut after all…
Massive thinks to Rhys for this great debut piece! You can follow him on Twitter @Rhys_Owain