Five Modest Proposals for the Stamford Bridge Set-To
TSW's sideburned gunslinger Josh Denk returns to propose five alternative methods of getting one over on Mourinho's men
Like the Jack Cast hosts themselves, I was pleasantly surprised to hear broadcaster, writer, and Chelsea fan Declan McCarthy give us a fighting chance against his side this Saturday. It’s safe to say we have not done poorly against the Blues over the last couple of years, with two mere 1-0 defeats in the 2013/2014 season plus some sort of tournament victory last spring that everyone keeps going on about.
It’s also safe and important to say that with signings like Costa, Fabregas, and Filipe Luis along with the recall of Courtois and the return of the "Poor man’s Wilfried Bony", the look of Chelsea’s roster have considerably improved. What's more, the dominant form Chelsea have already shown this season means it'll be a tough ask for any team to come away from Stamford Bridge with three points this season. They create that dominance using resources that few other teams can match - resources I can safely say the Swans will never match.
Is there any way we can even out that imbalance? I guess we could consider playing good, tight, controlled football. We could create chances and cash in on those chances. We could remain solid at the back and stick with Super Garry Monk’s game plan. We could follow Monk’s classy lead. And we could get a couple of breaks. Those are ideas. I guess.
Aside from those plans, however, here are some way cooler ideas that could level the playing field.
1. Give us the points, love
Did you know that Chelsea has 26 players on loan right now? TWENTY-SIX. That’s an entire Premier League roster. I understand those players are supposed to gain valuable playing experience etc. but 26 players on loan?
Here’s an idea if you like lending so much, Mr. Abramovich: lend us three points. C’mon, just loan us the three. Just until the end of the season. It could be a transaction -- we could pay for them in order to borrow them, perhaps with that sweet, sweet FFP money we just got from City. And then depending on how we get on during the season and whether we need them or not, we could give them back to you or keep them for a higher fee. What do you say? Can we just have those three points? Mourinho can take the afternoon off, sip some espressos, and berate his tailor. All those Chelsea players just off international play can have a few more days off. And we can have top of the table for just a little while. Think about it, Roman. Just get back to us before tea time on Saturday, k?
2. Two words: 3G pitch.
This seems like a dumb idea, but hear me out. After Wales’ near-disaster this week in Andorra, Ash and Taylor now have experience on this type of pitch. That’s half of our back four who know how the ball bounces, know how their feet will react, know what to expect. That should stand us in great stead, especially when you consider how well they’ve done for us so far this year (two out of three clean sheets).
And imagine what Chelsea would be dealing with. They have no Welsh players that I’m aware of, and they are definitely sleeping on that rich seam of knowledge the Andorran pitch has to offer. It’d be an entirely new experience for them. The first time the ball skids off that 3G surface, goes off his shin, and runs out of bounds for a corner, Eden Hazard will be so mad he’ll run off to find the nearest ballboy he can kick. Bingo: down to 10 men.
This could work. I mean, honestly, how hard would it be to throw down some sand and carpet in the next day? Surely the Ospreys could handle tearing up the current turf, yeah? Yeah. Dumb idea, indeed: dumb as a FOX. [Ironically, I'm sure Fox TV would probably go for that... - Ed]
3. Full names only:
I do love a good nickname, but I really need it to be good. Like when someone I follow online suggested she wanted to name her dog "Spaniel Day Lewis." That's a nickname. Or when we were calling Solskjaer "the Baby-Faced Assassin" (before we called him "Championship-level Manager"). That's a nickname. Even our former fearless leader was once named "The Great Dane" (or "الدانماركي العظيم" in Arabic). That's a nickname, too.
Know what's not a nickname? Oscar. Know what else is not a nickname? Ramires. Know what else is definitely not a nickname? Willian.
Proposed, then: none of them can play in the Premier League until they either revert to their original names OR sort out real nicknames. They clearly have too much invested in those nicknames to give them up so easily, so they'll at least be out for Saturday. Their absences could tip the scales.
(Somewhat related: Jan Wouters had the nickname "Mr. Elbow"; I always thought that belonged to Fellaini.)
4. Showbiz:
Quick show of hands: how many Premier League teams have documentaries being released in theatres this week? Ok, let's count it up.
Hm, looks like Chelsea 0, Swansea 1. Easy.
5. Hair:
With the exception of the previously mentioned Willian, Chelsea are no match for the amount of hair we have on display in this side. I know Emnes is still sidelined with a cartilage issue, but cartilage is not hair. He can still be on the sidelines, comfortably resting, large fan blowing his locks back and forth [Think Europe music videos - Ed]. And we definitely need to start Gomis, with Bony on the bench as hair backup. In this vein, Chelsea will be sorry to have parted with David Luiz. I guess Mourinho didn't think of absolutely everything.
By the way, I also think Filthy Gylfi (now that's a nickname) has a pretty tidy, if not huge, head of hair. But I don't have to tell that to the legions of Welsh men who have developed Icelandic man-crushes in the last few years. Amirite, guys? ...guys?
Anyhoo...listen, I think we have a decent shot at this if we play our best, just as we have a decent shot against anyone this year in this form. But I will take any advantage against this Chelsea team -- up to and including, of course, the formidable support of the Jack Army. Now, like they say, let's do the damn thing.
Thanks as usual to Josh for his latest piece! You can follow him on Twitter @TheJoshDenk