Josh Denk takes an "alternative" look at some ways the Swans could finish the season with a bang
Sorry, y’all. There’s just no time for mourning right now. Even though Wilfried Bony, the Ivorian Intimidator, the Virile Vision from Vitesse, the soon-to-be Mancunian Monster Mash, has officially moved to the Etihad we’re not about to be handed a break. We just got thrown to the mat by Chelsea; next is an FA Cup match away at Blackburn, Southampton at St. Mary’s, and then two quick-fire games against teams we should beat.
We are positioned well and ought to be able to cruise through the end of the season with enough points to stay up. However, that doesn’t mean there aren’t issues that need our full and immediate attention. Because there definitely are. I mean, honestly, where do we start? Let’s start with…
A New Nickname for Modou Barrow
It takes a big moment against a big club like Arsenal to rouse the pundit class from their ale-soaked stupors and get them to notice a little-known prospect at mid-table Swansea. So let’s give Modou Barrow credit: despite the fact that Arsenal have decided that the back third of their pitch is POISONOUS IT’S POISONOUS OH IT BURNS WE CAN’T PLAY THERE, he outran their whole athletic team, made Kieran Gibbs sweep the leg, and got even consistently half-in-the-bag Barry Glendenning’s attention. But he got that attention for all the right reasons.
Listening to any conversation about Mario Balotelli is an invitation to tears - not just for a great talent seemingly unable to make an impact anywhere but also for the sheer amount of time we all waste talking about him. That’s the attention Mario gets. So it’s time Modou Barrow separated himself from that hot mess and stopped calling himself Barrow-telli, and it’s time we as fans stopped using the name too. I have a few suggestions for replacements:
“Wheels” Barrow - see, because he’s fast, so wheels, and then barrow is like wheelbarrow and...yeah, it’s a stretch.
The Galloping Gambian - it’s got everything! And by “everything” I mean it has BOTH galloping and Gambian. (Meta-question: since The Gambia is the only country that has “The” as part of its title, would it be “The Galloping The Gambian”?
Frodo Barrow — because he’s got the moves to slip through Mordor and flip that ring into Mt. Doom before Sauron even gets his hate-mongering pants on.
Wilfried Barrow — kinda speaks for itself.
A New Look for the Whole Team
I like our kits fine, for the most part. (Not everyone shares that opinion, but not everyone is very good at this whole fashion thing, if you ask me.) I think, however, that we’re not intimidating enough people with that look. If we’re looking for an advantage for the last 17 games — and if any advantage will do — then a new look might just be it. So I propose a change.
My proposal is below. Now, if you’re squeamish, easily frightened, or incontinent in any way, you’re going to want to scroll past this next part. This is heady, scary stuff. View at your own risk.
Ooh. Sorry, wrong one. Try THIS on for size.
Yeeeeeeeeeeeeah. How ya like me now? Now imagine the whole XI - not just Routs - in this number. You want to inspire fear in the rest of the league? You show up in holiday regalia. All the time. There’s no better way to show you’re not intimidated, no better way to show you can’t be bothered by a big team’s reputation, than to hit the pitch at the Emirates in May wearing a smiling Frosty. Trust me on this. I’m not wrong.
Yoga
If Jonjo is going to make his way back into this starting lineup - and there’s clearly no guarantee he will - then he needs to chill the **** out. In fact, I think that was Monk’s exact quote. So let’s get some Downward Facing Dog up in here. Shelvey needs to work on his core. Seriously. Maybe it could help Montero with his hamstring too. We need that guy back in.
Another Movie
It’s been at least a few months since we’ve had a movie in theatres. I appreciate the grit of a solid documentary, and while the story of the Swans’ rise to prominence and the top tier is a wonderful and important one, the story needs to evolve. Once you’re at the top, what happens? What has the pressure of the spotlight done to the team? People need to know what it’s like for the Swans to keep up appearances. Suggested subjects:
"i hate living in Swansea/y don’t u bcome a manager" — two years in the life of Lexy Blackwell’s social media manager.
Anticipation — concessions in the East Stand over the course of a full season.
Brick by Brick — Chico Flores’ story.
Depth at Left Back
Neil Taylor has had one of those up-and-down seasons - brilliant by turns, mostly average, some serious honkers. Is it reasonable to expect he’ll hold out over the next rough run of games? Tiendalli made a good impression in some limited work recently, but only against a League 2 side. Looking over the roster makes me a little nervous about our depth at the back in general, but especially on that left side. Who can say how everyone’s health will hold out? I don’t fancy our chances in the transfer market at the inflated January prices, either. Who’s available?
I know who’s available.
No no no. The other one!
YAAAAAASSSSSSSS!
Bionic Britton
No one will replace Bony, certainly, but absolutely no one I know of out there will replace Leon Britton once he is well and truly ready to retire. I don’t think it’s too early to start planning, either, now that he’s reached his 32nd birthday and is talking like this: link
So how much medical equipment and motion capture expertise can £30 million buy us? Let’s find out. A full leg can’t cost more than £10K, right? So two of those, plus we pull a couple of the motion-capture people off the filming of Avatar 2 (because that’s going to stink, anyway) and hire some coders for a couple of months after the 2014-2015 season. We’ll need extra security detail around Landore because I’m not sure this plan will pass FA muster. But once all that’s paid for, I can’t imagine we’ll clear more than £15 million. Plus we’d have a half-man-half-cyborg playing for us! How cool is that?
Then we can use the remaining £15 million on, I don’t know, players? More ground expansion? Meh. I’d say let’s buy more cyborgs. That’s way cooler.
I’m sure your priorities differ, which is kind of a shame, because cyborgs. Nevertheless, I felt it important to get my feelings out there on what needs to happen now. Huw and Garry, pick up the phone! We can do all this and more!
Thanks to Josh for taking my mind off all this transfer window nonsense! Hopefully he brought a smile to your face too. Give him a follow on Twitter @TheJoshDenk